5 Easy Steps to Life!

1. Get born! Living starts the nanosecond that the first millimeter of your scalp protrudes from your parent's body. Ironically, the first step to dying is when the doctors cut your umbilical cord mere seconds later. Welcome onto the bus. There's a coffin at the end of everyone's ride specially made in bulk for all of you.
*Disclaimer* Your living may or may not end before the fifth step due to natural occurrences such as car crashes, natural disasters, murders etc. We hold no responsibility for you wasting your life before you've actually begun to live.

2. Get smart! From the age of 0.000000001 seconds to 22 years, the meaning of living is get the most alphabetically favorable report card as possible. Don't worry, this is only the first fourth of your living. You'll have plenty of time later to actually live.
*Caution* A social life may or may not be a hindrance to your success. Make sure to choose acquaintances that beneficial to your survival i.e. large jocks, easily persuaded nerds. Remember! Friendships are temporary. But a B+ on your report card lasts forever.

3. Get rich! It doesn't much matter how this happens. It does, though, matter how fast it happens. Don't let anyone else's life get in the way of yours. It is unfortunate for them, not you, if they are weak and let you trample on top of them to arrive at success. The faster you get enough money to retire, the faster you can get to living a happy, fun-filled, regret-free life.
*Hint* If your method to riches happens to be illegal, let it be as unnoticeable as possible. Nothing blows more than spending another sixth of your life wasting away in prison.

4. Get retired! Congratulations! You've made it to life! Spend as much time as you wish playing shuffleboard atop a five-star cruise. Hopefully you haven't wasted away much of your time already. Because the very next step is . . .

5. Get dead! I told you we'd be here in no time! Please exit the bus slowly. Watch out! The last step is six feet deep. I hope you have savored your 10-20 years of life! Because your ticket is, unfortunately, one way.