finally

it's tragic...

well... i finally quit piano lessons today.
most kids would see this as a victory. the final hurrah after months of arguing with parents.
but not me... not now...
now, twenty minutes after what could possibly be my last piano lesson ever, it feels like the decisive loss that inevitably leads to certain defeat.

and to be blunt... i'm scared...

don't get me wrong, i'm not some super-motivated teen angel who plays piano like there's no tomorrow.

however, i'm not the other extreme either
it's not that i hate piano
really, truthfully, i love piano
the beauty of the music
the passion, the emotion
my teacher is amiable and encouraging
piano lessons could probably be one of the best things that has ever happened to me

what then? you ask
what could possibly cause me to quit such a wonderful thing?

motivation
or rather lack of it
i think i practice on a monthly basis

seeing my lack of passion, my parents decided to pull me out of piano lessons in order to save money as well as to not force me to begrudgingly trudge through CM (if you've ever taken piano, you just shuddered)

and so, after months of deciding, my parents told me that today would be my last piano lesson.
...they told me today...

i tell myself that the only reason i didn't practice was because of my obligation.
i say that being forced to play is what caused me to lose motivation.
i try to convince myself that without the weight of necessity, i will continue piano with zeal.

and now that i've finally quit, i can put that theory to the test...
and this is what i fear

i fear with the obligation gone, the art will slip through my fingers
i fear that i've been lying to myself this whole time
i fear that my defeat was not at my parent's hands, it was at my own...